Have you ever asked your wife what makes her feel special? I did recently. Just point blank: “sweety – what makes you feel special?” I expected to hear about things I could do or get her or say to her. But her answer surprised me. It was about the things I do every day for her that I have made part of my routine.
She loves that I make her coffee every day and that I run my fingers through her hair when we watch a show at night. Of course it is not the same for every woman, but after talking with some married friends about it, I found a common thread: consistency. Sex & contraception
If making coffee for your wife makes her feel special, then do it for her consistently. If you make a cup one day and then stop, how special is that? If she loves to have fresh flowers in the house: make sure they never die – get her flowers every 7 days and put them in a vase for her. If she loves that you take care of things when you say you will: do it every time.
But start by simply asking. It may seem awkward, but if you are sincere and honest when you ask her, she will open up. Make certain that you listen intently. And ask for clarifications if you need to. Then follow up without saying you will – just start doing those things – or being that way. And do it or be it consistently.
You might be surprised – In my case, we also got into what annoys her about me – some crude things I do. There wasn’t much, thankfully. But what she did say made sense (if I put myself in her shoes) – so I am working on it. And that in itself makes her feel special – because I listened.
Want a Great Marriage? Many men gripe about their marriages. However: any man can have a great marriage – when he looks to himself for the changes. That was rather blunt; because it is true. When you try to change your wife expecting that her changes will make for a great marriage, you only build resentment on both sides. You build resentment in each of you for two reasons:
You cannot change someone else – when you try, they resist and resent you.
When you expect her to change and she resists, your expectation is not met and turns to resentment. The venus & adonis
Now you have double resentment for all your efforts. So how on Earth can you make the relationship grow? (not change: grow)
This will sound really odd, but there is wisdom in these words: when you forget your needs and take care of her needs, your needs will be met. The biblical marriage
Ask yourself this question: when you do something for your wife, what do you expect for it? For example, when you cook her a nice meal and clean the kitchen, and for unknown reasons she does not thank you and get all snuggly, do you get angry inside? If you get angry, you had an expectation that was not met. If you had an expectation, then you really honestly did not do it for her – you did it for what you would get. You did it for what you would get out of it.
Expectations can only lead to resentment. In addition, you anger will show through – which sends a message to her that you only did it for “one thing.” So when you let go of expectations, you will also let go of your anger and resentment. Easy? No. It takes practice and effort.
Where does this come from? The bible speaks directly to this in several places:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
~ Philippians 2:3-4
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her… … In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church – for we are members of his body.
~ Ephesians 5: 25-30
Husbands are to love and care for their wives as Christ loved and cared for the Church. How did Jesus Christ care for the Church? He says how in several places, but most succinctly here:
“… For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
~ Mark 10:45
Want to make your marriage great? When you do something do it for her out of love – and do it for the good feeling you get from loving and serving your wife as a great husband. Be a great husband.
She will feel the lack of expectations. She will see the joy and love you have in doing things for her. She will feel safe and free within your marriage. And she will begin to grow. The marriage will begin to grow. Husbands are responsible for tilling the soil so the marriage can bear good fruit.
Again – remember: there is up-swing for you – – when you let go of filling your own needs (save taking care of yourself physically and emotionally via healthy habits) and focus on filling your wife’s needs; your needs will be met. Cool, huh? This is the first step in how you can have a great marriage.
When I mention Christian marriage, I don’t want to exclude other faiths or non-faiths. I am Christian, and I have a great marriage. However, this does not mean you must be Christian to have a great marriage. I know several couples in great Christian marriages and several couples in great “non-Christian” marriages. The reason I consistently use Biblical marriage principals as a basis for a marriage advice and suggestions is it works.
The non-Christians I know with great marriages unknowingly have many aspects of their marriage in line with Biblical marriage principals. And it is in large part due to these aspects of their marriages that they are successful.
So – for people of other faiths or agnostics or even atheists reading these posts, please take what you can from it – anyone can learn from other models of marriage. When Husbands begin to look to themselves for change, rather than point their fingers at the other half, marriages tend to turn around. When husbands begin to be leaders and lovers of their wives, marriages turn around.
One of you put it best when you wrote: “… I have a whole new look at my marriage and my wife. I never realized that MY attitude was affecting our relationship, I feel better about myself now and I can tell you that my wife is much happier now. Again thank you thank you thank you.”
This blog is not just about passion – it is about building, restoring or even rescuing marriages. The truth is: passion is a great motivator – so if a husband comes here trying to find out how to improve his wife’s libido, great – that’s a fine place to start.
Why: because passion in marriage is a good gauge of the rest of the marriage. When everything is going well in the bedroom, sex accounts for about 10% of a relationship – but it is the barometer of the relationship; because when things are bad in the bedroom, sex becomes very important – it seems like 90% of the problems (and lack of it leads to temptation, resentment and affairs).
In reality, problems with intimacy are just the symptom – the problems are deeper. In a high percentage of situations, if the husband takes the initiative (regardless of who is to “blame”), the marriage will turn around. So, please read with an open mind and get something out of IgniteHerPassion and Christian marriage principals.